The Christmas Crunch

Today is Christmas Eve Eve. It's the last "normal" day before the Christmas festivities begin. It's the last day to buy a tub of gingerbread cookie dough, a bag of holiday potpourri, one of those plastic candy-canes filled with Hershey's Kisses, or a tree skirt that doesn't smell like cat piss (Although, I'm currently drafting a petition to instate cat piss as the new "official" smell of Christmas. Watch out, cinnamon and pine!).

Yes, this is it--the last day to shop--unless, of course, you're one of those pitiful freaks who shops on Christmas Eve (Hey losers, don't you have a FAMILY? Get out of Wal-Mart!). So I wasn't too shocked to find a surging horde of human desperation and anguish when I ventured to Meijer to pick up dog and cat toys (even though they have no concept of time and certainly no awareness of holidays, it seems pretty cruel to leave them out of the gift-giving fun seeing as their entire lives revolve around making us feel cozy and loved), Meijer-brand Ultra Healing Therapy Lotion with Aloe, Diet Coke, Edy's Grape-flavored Fruit Bars, toilet paper, and Nestle Toll House Ultimates Turtle Cookies.

While shopping, I witnessed a grandma and grandpa being held at knife point by a rag-tag gang of camo-vest wearing philatelists over the last package of French's French Fried Onions, two puffy coat-clad ladies with jam-handed tots in tow tousling over a Christmas gourd painted to look like an old fashioned Santa, a three legged service dog wearing a jaunty felt elf hat healing the infirm with his magic saliva, and a partridge in a pear tree doing a spot-on impersonation of Jerry Seinfeld. No, but seriously, while I was waiting in line to buy my items, this one old lady yelled at this other old lady and the old lady that got yelled at got her feelings hurt! I don't know why people can't just be kind to one another, especially around the holidays. I mean, I know there are some people who just don't deserve kindness, but if you can't fake it at Christmas when can you fake it?

My main motivation for shopping on this, the last normal day to shop before Christmas, was to stockpile my house with delicious food items so that, should I get a hankerin' for something during Christmas Eve and Christmas when my supply dries up (due to Wal-Mart and Meijer closing so that their staff can enjoy the holiday...which is maybe a little more than they deserve if you ask me...but I digress), I can still stuff my face full of the goodies and treats to which I have become addicted. After I went to Meijer, I had to go to Wal-Mart, because Meijer didn't have the Nestle Toll House Limited Edition Oatmeal Scotchies that I had decided I could not celebrate Christmas without. Also, Meijer had the Edy's Grape-flavored Fruit Bars, but not the Peach-flavored ones. And for some inexplicable reason, Meijer doesn't carry the Chef Boyardee Mini ABC's & 123's with Meatballs, but Wal-Mart does. It's cool though, you guys, because in between Wal-Mart and Meijer is Starbucks where I went through the drive-thru and got a Grande Peppermint Mocha and paid for it using a gift card I won at a holiday party after a lively game of Family Feud.

Food is a hugely important part of Christmas, especially when food is your crack, as it is mine. Nothing strikes as much fear into the heart of a food junkie as the notion of Meijer and Wal-Mart being closed for a day and a half. What if I run out of Weight Watchers Smart Ones Anytime Selections Pepperoni Pizza Minis?! What if my tin of Planters Pumpkin Spice Almonds is only half-full?! If your Christmas can survive a catastrophe like that, well, you're a stronger person than I am.

I'm happy to say, I made it out of Wal-Mart and Meijer with all my coveted food items and only one less finger than I had going in. Now I'm going to settle in for a Christmas filled with love, family, presents, music, laughter, and of course, a steaming bowl of Hillshire Farm Lit'l Smokies Smoked Sausages. All I ask of you during this holiday season is to treat each other with kindness, remember the children, and for the love of St. Nick, keep your hands off my New York Brand The Original Garlic Bread Sticks.